Tales of Shiranai

As many of you are likely aware, Evangelion was rebooted in movie form recently. These movies are a retelling of the EVA story with updated visuals and a modified plot, and seem to be getting a decent reception amongst fans. Currently, two out of four movies have been released.

Personally, I don’t think they’ve gone far enough with these remakes. Despite the fact that I find the movies to be an improvement over the old series, the whole thing is still a psychologically warped engagement. Not to mention that Shinji still sucks, Gendou is still a bastard, and so forth. As a result, I have thought of several modifications to the presentation that would have resulted in a far better experience.

• Since everyone hates Shinji, Asuka is the main character instead. She speaks only German throughout the whole thing.
• In order to better facilitate Asuka’s role, the soundtrack is provided by the German band Rammstein.
• Shinji is replaced by Touji.
• Actually, scratch that. Shinji is replaced by Animate Tenchou.
• Rei II and Rei III are active at the same time. Rei II has a real attitude problem because Gendou likes Rei III better, and the two constantly battle to see who the “real” one is. Rei II calls Rei III a drek and replica, and eventually the two have a fight to the death.
• Actually, forget everything I said above. Rei is replaced by a bunch of clones played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Pen Pen becomes an EVA pilot. He pilots EVA Unit LNX, which is fully powered by open source software.
• Kaji is replaced by Samuel L. Jackson. His revised role in the reboot is to punch Gendou in the face repeatedly.
• “Angels” are replaced by giant versions of anime characters everyone wants to beat up, such as giant Light Yagami and giant Lelouch.
• The Third Impact is actually caused when Asuka, piloting EVA Unit 02, fights against Chuck Norris. The sheer awesomeness of the battle causes everyone to explode.